When life gives you lemons.

November gives me chills. And not because it’s freaking cold outside but because November is my reminder. Reminder to be grateful for being alive.

So here’s the thing, I had cancer. And before you give me your pity and puppy eyes, please note that I said had. Which means I have no more. And yes it was “traumatic” and fucking hard but truth be told there is people who are going trough worse shit every day so let’s just acknowledge that, and that I am not anymore. I am healthy.

I don’t mean to sound like a twat. I’m sure you’re very kind and respectful individual, and asking if I’m ok? is more than nice but I don’t want this story to be my cancer story. Simply because I’m not ready to share it yet. I’m still bubbling it in my inner self and trying to form it into words that won’t sound too painful but also too vain. But that story will come out one day. And it might be an essay, it might be a book, who knows? But this is not it.

This November marks eight years of me getting leukaemia diagnosis and I’ve been reflecting A LOT. Whenever I catch myself being ungrateful little shit and care for material more than I should (which I hate to admit I’ve been doing quite a lot lately) I just stop and give myself a huge fucking reminder how good my life actually is.

Apparently there are two kind of people in the world: when life gives you lemons you can either throw them back at it or squeeze them and make a lemonade. However I’m more of a take a lemon, slice it and bite into it after shoot of tequila kinda gal.

What can I say, I do love tequila. But also I am not letting anything or anyone else being in control of my life.

I spent too long just sort of drifting and letting things happen to me. Both good and bad things. And I know how fucking miserable and little I felt during that period of my life. Those crippling feelings of emptiness and uselessness.

We’ve all been there. For one reason or another, we have ALL been though something that made us wonder if we’ll make it. That’s why I’m writing this after all. For you. So you know you’re not alone.

Life is hard on it’s own. Without depression and anxiety thrown in there. And sometimes life doesn’t seem to be fair. Or even remotely good. But you can’t live surrounded by your troubles and worries EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. for the rest of your life.

I read an article recently that says how people who are happy are desperately looking for things to make them miserable.

MIND.BLOWN.? To me it sounds very familiar. I’ve been doing that over past few months. Whenever I woke up feeling good and my mental health was under control I’d find a thing that I could moan about.

Well I think fucking not Barbara. Get yourself together. AND I DID.

I flicked through my diary and photos from eight and seven years ago. It was enough of a reminder.

And you know what I’ve learnt? GRATITUDE. AND HAPPINESS IN EVERYDAY little things. Like having time for yourself. First sip of your morning coffee. Or fresh bread. Hot showers. Nice face cream. Or breathing crisp air.

I had power of being in control of most important thing – my happiness.

And I am happier than ever before.

A lot of it is about being in control –you can worry about not having a secure job, or enough money or reliable network of people but this level of control is something we can all create ourselves.

It’s normal to occasionally whine about the weather, and tube delays and how the dress on your wish list is out of stock – we don’t have authority over that.

It’s ok to keep dreaming bigger and aiming for more that doesn’t make your less grateful. It makes you having a purpose in life.

I want to have a family and write a book and buy my own home – but I won’t be unhappy because I don’t have those things yet, because I’m grateful for everything I do have and I am more than aware that something more awful than being in my overdraft, or gaining weight, could happen.

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Today has been cancelled, go back to bed.

To anyone going through a hard time but still showing up, getting dressed and putting their damn shoes on every day, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Also to anyone who’s going through it and isn’t able to get out of bed because of it-YOU ARE ALSO NOT ALONE. Whether it’s for physical, social, emotional or any reason-your journey is valid and you deserve to be seen and get love or space if that’s what you need in order to heal. You are a beautiful human and I promise that it’s going to get better.

And there is goes. Just when you think life is great, all there is are sunshine and rainbows, you’re more than satisfied with what you’ve got and who you are, you look yourself in the mirror and you’re happy with how you look, you finally think how you got this, this balance between everything

THERE IS GOES. LIFE GOES TO SHIT.

I’ve been bottling up some feelings for sure. I mean we all have a mini drawer in our brains where we send all those problems that can either be dealt with later or are Major problems (yes with capital M) you absolutely have no fucking willingness or mental power to deal with so we just lock them away. That’s what 90% of adulthood is anyway.

BUT all this is fine. You see, I AM USED TO ALL OF THIS. However what I am absolutely not used to is when something I completely got over, patched it back together until it was healthy enough to put in the past comes back in my life knocking on my mini drawer in my brain until one massive motherfucking Kraken of the emotions erupts.

Now it doesn’t really matter what exactly happened to me. What or who caused that carnival in my head. But it happened. It is now first time it did and let me tell you it won’t be last time either. BUT here is what I learnt this time around.

YOU ARE LOVED NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL.

1.) Try not to be hurt by people. Especially if you know they are hurting as well. And this is I know not a walk in the park my friend. Relationships are complicated and I am not a big fan of anything complicated because I strongly believe everything is simple (except maths, f u c k that) So I try to stay out of complicated relationships. But sometimes you are related to people. Or married. Or you’re under a 12 month contract together. So you can’t exactly escape them.

It is then that you have to decided whether this person is worth your time and love and mental ability to forgive them. Is this person worth you. Or is you and your inner peace more worthy.

I long for the day I decide to put myself first! (and so does my therapist) And I know I always preach about that, how it’s not selfish to choose yourself, to protect your feelings and your mental health over anyone else, but here’s the thing! I mostly talk about it all the time because I suck at being that person and it’s me reminding myself to do so.

I can’t emphasise enough how important is for us humans to realise that we are the only ones who are in our lives ’til we die. So putting you as your top priority is not only ok, it’s mandatory.

And sometimes other people decided to choose themselves over us, and that is fine. Don’t take it personally. Take it as a chance to work on yourself, for yourself, by yourself.

2.) You are loved no matter how you feel.

I’m a talker. I literally talk about everything, with everyone. But when it comes to hurt feelings, feeling small or desire to spend an eternity under your bed covers and pretending that everything is fine, then I don’t talk. I lose all my words and only thing I have left is my thoughts. At least I am very good at thinking that. Truth is that I have much more than what I think.

I have a family who loves me unconditionally. Friends who are struggling as much as I do yet are willing to show up anytime and anywhere. And most importantly, I’ve got me.

A very sad, hurt and hopeless me. But I know that this person isn’t really me. It’s someone who going to a rough patch and need just needs a little bit of time and a little bit of extra love to go through it.

The best thing I can do for myself is to love myself on bad days as much as I love myself on good ones.

No matter how melancholic this sounds but just because you’re taking time out, time to think and recover an get back on track doesn’t mean that the Earth is going to stop. But it also doesn’t mean you’re worth less. Loved less. Or even strong less. Your journey is important. TAKE YOUR TIME. And when you’re ready to come back the Earth is still going to spin, you are still going to be loved and your place under the Sun is going to be waiting for you.

3.) Time heals.

It will take time. And believe it or not you will get better. And then you’ll hurt again. At some point even more than before. But then one day you will wake up and you will be one-hundred-percent OK.

Sometimes it takes 3 weeks, sometimes 3 years and sometimes 3 days.

From time to time you’ll only need a 3 minute cry out in your office bathroom or if you’re more like me in front of your Starbucks cashier because they didn’t heat up your toastie.

But trust me when I tell you, the misery and emptiness you’re feeling on your worst day are not staying there forever.

It is going to be OK.

Shout out to everyone making progress that no one recognizes because you never let anyone see your darkest moments. You’ve been silently winning battles and transforming yourself, be proud of every step you’re making in the right direction. Keep going because you got this.

Binge worth Netflix shows I’m loving at the moment.

Me watching Netflix is about 72% of my evenings. Not even going to try sugar coat this terrible statistic. (other 28% is either me in the pub, me in the club or me snoring with a book on my lap)

Because what is better than some Netflix and chill after an exhausting day of work or you trying to survive that nasty hungover?

I love to suggest to my friends what to watch so we can obsess together over something, but in their eyes I’m not competent enough just because I’ve never seen a single episode of GOT. (dunno if this is used but I am referring to Game(s?) of Thrones)

But that irrelevant fact aside, I’ve got quite a few of you that always ask what to watch and frankly I take great pleasure in suggesting and discussing this obviously very important topic in ones life.

These are my current favourites which change every month or so. You might’ve seen some, you probably watched some, and you’ve probably never heard of some. Give them a go! They’re approved!

Without further nagging, here’s six titles you should give a try this weekend!

STRANGER THINGS. My story with ST started nearly 3 years ago now, when I was babysitting one very late Friday evening, and decided to start watching the ” phenomenal” new programme no one would shut up about. 15 minutes in, my hands were sweaty, my usually bradycardic heart rate went through the roof and I nearly shit my pants. I’ve turned off the TV, turned on all the lights in the house and called my mum because I was PETRIFIED. And that was it, IT WAS A NO FOR ME. Fast forward to this June when my then boyfriend insisted we watch ST because I’m missing out but more importantly he’s so brave and wanted to show off his fearlessness. Three episodes in and I went from someone with very little interest in the show and the premise behind it to absolutely loving it. I wanted to adopt Eleven, move to Hawkins, Indiana and marry chief Hopper. I binge watched all three season in under two weeks, and then re-watched everything in another two. I don’t really know which tv show can I compare it to because this show is beyond words. Season 4 can’t come quick enough because it is truly B I T C H I N’.

WORKING MOMS. Is a comedy that absolutely nails working motherhood with wit and irony. IT IS OBVS very relatable even to me who is working with children on every day basis. It’s very Sex and the City, the friendship formation part, and swearing and drinking. Three seasons in and I laughed out loud at every single episode so far.

DEAR WHITE PEOPLE. Before we I even start, YES a title is off-putting BUT I indulged, and so should you. The reason I ate this show up when I started watching it was its phenomenal style, with an at first confusing but engrossing structure and shooting that really shows off the vibe they are going with. Characters are my age and real life problems are shown. AND if you’re white and think this show isn’t for you, you ARE SO WRONG (privileged) SIR! Shows like these spark thoughts and discussions, and so we can come together as a people and as a society. If you open your hearts instead of your ears, and use your funny bones instead of your feelings, I bet you could understand or get behind this show.

13 REASONS WHY. Ok, ok, ok. This series is absolutely fantastic yet so absolutely horrifically tragically horrendous. I found first season very hard to watch because it was magnificently written and everything from music to the cast was absolutely perfect, LIKE it is actually real (which sadly it is). Season two was a bit quieter but with equally strong message, AND then there is the third season which wasn’t my favourite but was just as mind blowing as the first one. I personally prefer comedy over dramatic shows because they sometimes trigger my mental health issues and 13RW wasn’t an easy watch for me however I literally swallowed it. It is so powerful that it actually makes you consider your actions more and I just wanted to be there for people even more. The series is not for the weak (and a bit too harsh for the hungover ones) but I would definitely recommend it, if nothing you’ll learn how to take other people’s feelings a bit more seriously.

This show has the capacity to shake you from inside, so please if watching make sure you either watch it with someone or that you actually talk to someone about your emotions. There is people who care about you!

AtYpical. A cute comedy that follows a teenage boy who has autism. He’s a bit like Sheldon from the Big bang theory. The series is absolutely brilliant. Funny, sensitive, heartwarming and on times even heartbreaking! I finished watching both seasons over one very hungover weekend with Pad Thai and coke Zero on repeat, AND I still claim that was one of the best recovery weekends of my life.

Bonding. Extremely over the top series, which in my personal opinion needed more episodes and not only seven with under 20 minutes each. It took me one afternoon to finish it and I managed to completely flip over it yet stay hungry for more. It’s a dark comedy that shows how students these days really have to work all sorts of explicit jobs to stay in school and not end up on the street. Hoping that Netflix won’t let us down and sign them up for second season with hopefully more to follow.

Here is also few titles I l o v e and think are worth mentioning: Sex Education, Friends from college, Good girls, Dead to me, Grace & Frankie.

Let’s talk about: What’s new?

HI SEPTEMBER! WHADISUP?

I took a month off from the blog because I needed to just chill and stay away from the computer and I also needed to work on myself, to get some clarity and to worry less. AND I had a fab August thank you very much!

I was basically sleeping, eating, drinking, beaching, swimming, reading, hanging out with the fam and friends and to sum it up: I WAS ON HOLIDAYS. You could have followed some of my shenanigans via Insta but I’m not planning on writing detailed post about my summer.

And don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my everyday life in London, but getting out of big smoke felt so G O O D. It always does, to get out of here. I just breathe differently whilst out of Ldn. I don’t know if it’s me subconsciously knowing that it I don’t always have to be so alert or the clean air or whatever, but it’s always refreshing.

I have to say I had a fair amount of messages from your lovely faces who were wondering when is the next post coming out, AND it made my heart swell!!!

Did ya miss me? I missed y’all.

I wrote a lot, mostly in my notebook and I got a fresh perspective on life and this blog and on the “content” (omg that word makes me cringe) and on what to write!

September for me always means a fresh start. Like fresher than the new year. I think I still link it to the beginning of school year which I always L O V E D. I was (and still am) A BIG SUCKER for buying new stationery, notebooks, new trainers and new everything! So I decided to incorporate few new changes into my everyday routine. Some are just being tried out for the month of September, some I’ve strongly decided to stick to, but we’ll see how that goes.

so what is new?

  1. I switched to a plant based diet. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I KNOW. This was basically everyone’s reaction when I announced I’m doing Vegember (Vegan September). My (usually very supportive an loving) boss told me: BUT BARBARA, you’re the biggest bacon cheeseburger eater I know. AND fuck yeah, she’s right. But ALSO, fuck yeah PEOPLE CHANGE. This didn’t come overnight. But it came. I’m doing it for whole 30 days of September and will do a post about it, but until then, please pray for me!
  2. I wake up an hour earlier than I usually would. THE ANXIETY OF MORNING ROUTINE IS REAL YO! My mornings usually start with me putting my essential oil diffuser on, meditation and I always do 20 minutes of reading and going into my email inbox to flag important emails I need to deal with later before I start getting ready. But that shit always stretches or I end up replying to emails AND all of a sudden I have 10 minutes left to get ready and I am a women, I NEED MORE THAN 10 MINUTES. I would usually rush brushing teeth in the shower between shaving legs and washing hair and I decided that if I want to decrease the amount of stress I start my day with I just have to be an adult and wake up earlier because IT IS SO WORTH IT.
  3. I fell in love with having a routine again. This sounds freaking ridiculous but hear me out. I was away for nearly five weeks. F I V E. 5! I was all over the place. And had no real routine. And yes, life is pretty great when you don’t plan it and it’s ridiculously wonderful when you don’t need to set your alarm or check off your to-do lists and meet deadlines and be somewhere by a certain hour BUT I’m such a routine kinda girl. And I dare to say that I still live life to the fullest. I still have days off. I still don’t plan some evenings, and I just go with the flow. But you see, for my mental health and my anxiety, A ROUTINE is a must. So I eased back into it. Back into work. Back into working out. Back into going out. Back into London. AND it was a bit painful for a bit. However, I motivated myself with some new beauty products, and to be honest I just binge watched a massive amount of morning routines on YOUTUBE. (LIKE, WHAT EVEN BARBARA?) So now, I do love waking up every morning, putting my creams and serums on, fresh t-shirt and a big smile. It just feels right.
  4. Making time for ME TIME. Repeat after me, ME TIME IS NOT SELFISH. It is not. And I don’t know why, but I have to remind myself of that EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am a people person. I love to socialise. I love to chill with my fam and my other fam, and drink with friends, and watch Netflix and do brunches and all that BUT. I don’t function like a person if I don’t spend at least one evening a week with just myself. Reading, chilling, watching something, bathing, listening podcasts or just wasting time. Depends what feels right that day. But I NEED IT. I need that time like I need air. I KID YOU NOT. Y’all can be kidding yourselves but you ALL need it. And my summer was filled with meeting my friends, spending time with my family (who I fucking love so so so much) and I was constantly with someone and PLEASE don’t think I’m a witch but by the time I came back to London, I just felt so emotionally exhausted. And my therapist says it’s normal. LIKE IS IT? I hope so, otherwise I’m just a bitch. ANYWAYS, me time is now booked weekly, AND sorry (not sorry) DARLING, but I’m busy tonight!!!
  5. I’m saying YES to second hand September. I’m doing 30 days of no new clothes, unless it’s from a charity or second hand shop. WHY? I’m trying to be more sustainable. Also because I am overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have and that I always have nothing to wear. I’m trying to break up with fast fashion which naturally leads to investing in better quality and more long term products that will serve me longer and better. Which also means that I’m not going to be defined by what’s “in” and what’s “out”, but I get to wear what I want, when I want it. (Take the pledge, if you can and MORE INFO on why to do it you can find here)

It’s not much, but five days in and I can feel such a positive change already.

Let me know if you made any lifestyle changes recently and what they are.

B x

73 questions with Barbara

*Opens the door of my luxurious mansion in Malibu and welcomes you into the marble foyer, as I gaze into the camera lens *

  

I am obsessed with Vogue’s 73 questions videos (Emily Blunt and Margot Robbie deffo favs) I’ve decided to do a little parody post so you can get to know me better. Although there is so much more to both you and me than seventy-three questions, it’s always fun to pretend you’re someone important and you’re being followed by Vogue around your zen garden whilst unicorns sing Amazing Grace but until that happens you’ll need to settle for less glam, very chilled holiday version of Barbara.

  1. What your usual Starbucks coffee order? I don’t drink Starbucks coffee. I get coffee from local independent coffee shops. And 90% of the time I go for flat white, but if summer deffo an iced latte. But when in Starbucks: peach green tea lemonade!!!
  2. Favourite colour? Any shade of blue but specifically Space blue
  3. Least favourite food? Absolutely hate lamb and coriander, AND fresh ginger (although it’s growing on me)
  4. Favourite food? just one? um then I guess dim sum
  5. When are you the most creative? When caffeinated and motivated
  6. Who’s your girl crush? Lady Gaga
  7. Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? Monica’s Church youtube video– My boyfriend cheated on me
  8. Sweet or savoury? Savoury. ALWAYS SAVOURY.
  9. Who should people be following right now? Anyone that promotes body positivity, feminism, gender and race equality, and self love
  10. Person you’d like to have coffee with? Meryl Streep
  11. Song you can listen to on repeat? Vossi Bop by Stormzy
  12. What makes you laugh the most? Poppy. But also memes
  13. Dogs or cats? DOGS.
  14. If you could go to any concert past or present, what would it be? Coldplay or Luciano Pavarotti
  15. Top three countries on your travel list? Thailand, Italy and Morocco
  16. Can you describe yourself in a hashtag? #enough
  17. On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? 10. always a 10, even though Mercury is retrograde atm
  18. You are stuck on a deserted island and you only have one book, what are you reading? I wish I could say something very adult like Anna Karenina or War and Peace, but Harry Potter and Half-Blood Prince it is.
  19. What’s one thing people don’t know about you? If I watch horror movies I have to sleep with a light on
  20. Who is your favourite Disney character? The Little Mermaid, Ariel, without a doubt.
  21. If you could star in any movie what would it be and why? Mamma Mia, first movie. Because what’s better than dancing and singing ABBA on a Greek island?
  22. What’s your favourite time of day? Sunrise
  23. If you could travel the world with anyone who would it be? My Mother
  24. What’s your pet peeves? People walking slowly, or people stopping on the pavement in front of you, or people standing on the wrong side of escalator.
  25. What’s the most sentimental gift received? Diamond ring my mum had custom made for me when graduated uni (the gold part is her and dad’s melted wedding rings)
  26. Heels or flats/sneakers? Sneakers!!!
  27. Vintage or new? New
  28. What industry do you see yourself working in? Entertainment, marketing or medicine
  29. Style icon? Anna Wintour
  30. What are the three things you can’t live without? Family, laptop and eggs
  31. Favourite pastime? Working out, writing and chilling
  32. What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for? The Obamas and Ellen Degeneres
  33. What’s your biggest fear in life? Forgetting or being forgotten
  34. Window or aisle seat? Aisle
  35. What’s your current T.V. character obsession? Eleven from Stranger Things
  36. Twitter or Instagram? I N S T A G R A M
  37. Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life? Diving with sharks
  38. How would you define yourself in three words? Bubbly, ambitious, dependable.
  39. Favourite piece of clothing that you own? denim dress
  40. Must have clothing item everyone should have? Perfect fit jeans
  41. Superpower you would want? Flying
  42. What’s inspiring you in life right now? Poppy. And my friends.
  43. Best piece of advice you’ve received? Just do it.
  44. Favourite dessert? salted caramel ice cream
  45. What is more important to you in a relationship? Loyalty
  46. Who is your favourite spirit human ? Christine Baranski
  47. What is something you notice about someone when you first meet them? If they’re smiling or not
  48. What is your biggest regret? The time spent sweating the small stuff
  49. Best way to rest/decompress? Hot shower and breathing
  50. Favourite solo artist? ADELE
  51. What is heavily played on your music playlist right now? Florence and the Machine
  52. If you could master one instrument, what would it be? Piano
  53. What are some of your must have beauty products? Origins moisturiser, Blink eye drops, Benefit brow gel and Mario Badescu face mist
  54. How do you react to criticism? I’ll take it into consideration but if I can’t learn from it I mostly ignore it.
  55. What’s your favourite cocktail? Long Island Iced tea
  56. How would you describe your style? Evolving haha. Mostly very hipster casual with a hint Beyonce
  57. What fictional character do you relate to the most? Bridget Jones.
  58. What’s your favourite board game? Cards Against Humanity
  59. What is your guilty pleasure? Friends on Netflix and fries
  60. What did you read most recently? This is going to hurt a little by Adam Kay
  61. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
  62. How do you start your day? Meditation. Brush my teeth. Drink carrot/apple/ginger juice and do emails.
  63. What’s on top of your wishlist right now? New camera
  64. Pilates or yoga? Yoga
  65. Coffee or tea? COFFEE.
  66. What is your favourite holiday? Any holiday I get so spend with my mum
  67. Dark chocolate or milk chocolate? Don’t eat chocolate, but dark with salt flakes if in the mood
  68. If you could raid one woman’s closet who would it be? Ashley Graham’s
  69. Summer or winter? SUMMER
  70. What is your biggest weakness? Not admitting I need help/was wrong and Five Guys
  71. What is your favourite place that makes you feel happy? Croatian seaside
  72. A skill you’re working on mastering? Writing
  73. What do you want people to remember you by? I want to be remembered for a girl who never took the life too seriously and always lived to the fullest.

Let’s talk about: Hungover Chronicles.

If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve been quite frequent at drinking over last few weeks. AND, no it’s not because I’m a full-blown addict, it is because I am a regular twenty-five year old with a some kind of social life and love for tequila.

Also, it is June. Which means it is summer. Which means that day time drinking is acceptable without being judged by old ladies on tube. So here we are. ALL IS great.

How do you go out and get absolutely shit-faced and then you have a completely normal next day?

UM, it is doable. ALSO, I’ve kinda became an expert over the years.

So yes, I’m writing this for me, but mostly you, my dear.

Do you know that feeling when you wake up in the morning (or few hours after you passed out in your bed, whilst half-way through taking off your make up) and your head feels like someone smacked you with a bat and you can’t fully open your eyes because they’re either stuck together or you forgot to pull down your blinds and the day light is all of a sudden making you feel like a freaking vampire under the direct sun?

Huh, that’s the level of rough I feel most of the time, YES.

At this point, I turn on my back and put a pillow over my face, trying to recall why the heck to I feel like the herd of rhinos ran all over me, but ALSO how the hell am I supposed to make it though the day???

FYI, my nights out usually go like this.

After I decide that once again eyeliner is a NO NO, and down my third glass of wine whilst Florence and Machine are playing in the background. I’m taking approximately 45-89 selfies, of which one or maybe even none will be posted. Then I decide to tidy after myself, because hello OCD but also, A GIFT to my-tomorrow’s-very-hungover-self.

Then I’m ready to go out.

Starting with vodka-sodas, because we love vodka and we are trying to stay hydrated (and yes, pls I do need a vodka brand to sponsor me). Then somewhere between vodkas, and occasional tequila shoots (which according to my bank statement the very next day cost more than a new liver on illegal market) I do rum and coke or two, just to change the taste to somewhat pleasant. When I genuinely think I’ve had enough of strong drinks (and I usually figure this out when texting the wrong person or telling the lovely girl in the toilet queue that I’ll pay for her uni expenses), I go and buy a beer, to fight that disgusting dry mouth feeling, but I buy Desperados aka tequila beer.

At this point, my tummy (but mostly heart) tells me that it’s Mc Donald’s time. SO we find the nearest one. But on the way there we usually meet one, two or sometimes ten homeless people who are for God knows what reason always very chatty at 2am. So after we discus latest Brexit talks, and everyone’s agenda for the summer we say our goodbyes with a promise to take care as many strange people are lurking at this time of a night. (We always ask if they want some food, but they are usually always after a quid or two, so we give them whatever coins we can find at the bottom of our bags)

My go to order in Mcds is: extra gherkin-double cheeseburger, two large fries (very salted) with sweet curry sauce and coke zero. AND, if you never had to wait for your Mc Donald’s order for 30 minutes together with half of the London, you don’t know what commitment is.

Sometime after figuring out how the heck I got on the right tube I needed to and fidgeting with my phone to get an Uber to take me to mi casa, I find myself turning my bag upside down in front my door to find the key because at this point I really, really, really have to pee, only to remember that I hid it in the “safe” zip pocket.

It takes me around 45 seconds to take my shoes off and climb three flights of stairs that get me to my bedroom, but for some weird reason at this point this seems like a forever.

I usually end up sitting on my bed for next five minutes, because my Spotify is still on, and I’m probably mentally preforming at the Grammy’s.

Which leads us back to me sitting on my bed just few hours later and trying to regain full control of my brain and body.

At this point I’ve already decided that fried eggs and salted butter on toast are what I need to get my shit together but first THE SHOWER.

THE SHOWER has to be boiling hot when I get in, because that chilly feeling you’ve got is you lacking sleep and metabolising alcohol.

Then after washing your face and hair you do conditioner, but slightly switch water to lukewarm, because the last stage is turning water ice cold to snap you out of whatever bad decision you were over-thinking.

So when you sterilise your outside, and use scrub to make sure disease from touching everything in that dodgy club last night is gone, you wish you could wash your insides, but coffee will do.

NOW. If you’re a thrower upper (thanks to sweet baby JESUS I AM NOT), I suggest going for tea, or any liquid you can keep down. And toast. I is just going to quickly make full English breakfast because, thank you genetics I can eat.

Now you’ve eaten, sure you can pop few Aspirins for that awful headache ( I mean it’s not going to make up for a fact you chugged seven vodka-sodas last night Barbara, but it will help. ) but I suggest spending the next few hours lying horizontal.

I mean, unless you’re working, there is really no better thing to do than to either take a nap or watch Netflix.

(If you are working, or worse, have a family occasion you need to attend, I highly suggest drinking one re-hydration sachet, tons of concealer and grabbing Mc Muffin and black coffee on a way.)

But if you’re lucky (and smart enough), your hungovers will most probably be present on your days off.

So please, please, please do yourself a favour and enjoy them.

Turn your phone off. Switch your brain off. Enjoy slouching on a sofa. Lounge clothes were invented for moments like this. Take advantage of food deliveries. Hydrate. Chill. Recover. Take a bath. OR. Take a walk. Go to pub for a roast. Go to a corner shop for gummy bears. Do what you’e feeling doing, even if it’s nothing but breathing.

BECAUSE, it is completely fine to count this as normal.

Hungovers are not half bad when you accept them as necessity and aftermaths of a good night out. When you actually have a reason to take it slow, because we all know how guilty we feel taking some time off.

When everything you can think about, and SHOULD think about is what are you watching and where’s the next source of carbs coming from?

Twenty-five.

So, today marks 25 years of Barbara.

And I would be lying if I said that I’m not freaking out.

Because I am freaking out. Like A LOT.

Like most of America did when Trump got elected. Or when Alabama banned abortion.  So, like a whole lot.

Like no offense to myself or anything, but what the fuck am I actually doing?

Because when someone asks if I have a plan? I repeatedly answer with: I don’t even have a pla.

Can you relate already?

Apparently it’s called quarter life crisis, as we millennials have to put a label on fucking everything.

So yeah. FUN TIMES EH?

To be honest, I had this very great idea about how this post is going to written. I was gonna get ballons with numbers 2 & 5 and buy a random cupcake with a little candle that’d be thrown away later and I’d wear a dress and write this cute text about twenty-five things you should deffo do before turning 25 and then I’d tell you how amazing it is to be a very functional adult and have your shit together.

THE TRUTH IS THOUGH, I don’t want to lie to you. And I don’t want to put more pressure on you. Because I don’t have my shit together. My definition of adulting is being able to power through a very bad hungover on a working day and eating green veggies at least once a week. And not needing to sell my eggs for money if I want a good night out and making sure that my mum get’s daily updates on my life, otherwise that woman thinks I’m dead and my body is on the very bottom of Thames river. Also, not dying and having my body thrown to the very bottom of Thames river.

I’d never lie to you, because life is hard. But if you’re in your twenties life is even harder.

Because, honestly, twenties are shit.

Apparently you should be having the time of your life but you’re constantly stressed. First you get stressed about graduating and all the uni shebang. Then when you finally think you’re on track you get all stressed because you can’t find a job.

Or at least a job that doesn’t require seventy-eight years of experience although they’re looking for young people to hire. And then you’re stressed over the fact you get paid peanuts and you can barely afford living with other six people in shitty house and you quit your job.

And of course you are all stressed again about finding a new job. But you lucked out and you find one.

And you move flats. But not without stressing over the fact that your rent costs a small fortune if you want a room with a window and decent sized bathroom with hot water.

And you’re always stressed about your sex life. Because it is hard to date when you barely have time to breathe. Or shower. Also it is freaking hard to find someone who gets you and you don’t have to be fake with, and who isn’t selfish in bed and wants to do Netflix and chill rather than just sex. And when you do come across a decent lad, or you know a lady, they fuck it up by putting their parts into other people’s bodies and then you’re stressed again, well rather sad and mad, and you swear you’re never dating again, but you ain’t vowed for celibacy. And then you go on dating apps and unwillingly turn into a little bit of slut, but at least you are safe, and pleased.

And you finally have time to go out with your friends without a feeling that you should be searching for a future father of your imaginary child every time you exit the house.

But then you get stressed because some of your friends decided they are not your friends anymore because they are pretentious little shits, but you get over it faster than Khloe Kardashian got over all of Tristans cheating, because you are better off without fake people in your life.

But then again, you are persistently tired as fuck. And you’re always feeling like a fraud because you can’t be rude to Karen from office, who is middle-aged, hates millennials and isn’t getting any.

And everybody always thinks you’re a upset because you’re young, that you are loud because you’re young, that you are politically naive because you’re young and that you get easily annoyed because you’re young.

AND you can’t tell everyone to fuck off because half of the time, even you are not sure what the fuck is wrong with you and you are too busy to figure it out.

To busy because you need to get a proper amount of sleep, and hydrate, go to gym, reply to all gazillion Whatsapp chats (mostly audios, that you firstly have to listen to), make time for self-care so you don’t burn out, eat your suggested 5 a day and catch up on podcasts (mostly about adulting).

And what pisses the fuck out of me is the fact that even when I do all this, when I eat my avocado on toast, and do yoga and call my mother and cross off all the things off my to-do list I still feel like I should be running a marathon, or buying a house, or popping out a child or two, or should be a CEO of my own company and I get anxiety attacks.

Our society puts so much pressure on miìllennials these days that if you’re not on Forbes 30 under 30 list, what are you even doing with your life Barbara???

Like, why aren’t you climbing Mt. Everest or have seven million followers on Instagram?

I’ve been stressing over all this shit for too long. And do you know what? I’m done wasting my time. I’m done convincing myself that I’m missing out and that I should be something I’m not.

It all cool to dream that you’re the next Kylie Jenner, but if your sister does have a sex tape, chances are it’s more likely going to end up on a dodgy website rather than with a multi-million contract.

It’s time for real talk now.

Keep working hard. Keep being passionate about the things you love and don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do it. Whatever it is. Because you are capable. Because you can be more than Kylie, and Kendall and whoever.

And it is ok to live on a budget, in a crappy apartment and have crappy sex life at the moment. As long as you’re doing everything you can to change that. As long as you don’t settle for less than you deserve. As long as your self-pity days don’t last longer than an actual neccesity. And you can switch from *can’t fucking adult today* days to *I got this shit * days.

It’s not easy but you got it babe. Sometimes you just have to give yourself the pep talks.

Like:“ Hello, you are a bad ass bitch! Don’t be sad! You are doing great! Love you!“

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, stop fucking comparing yourself to other people.

JUST. DON’T. That ain’t healthy. I know you will still do it from time to time because I do, but don’t. Stop being jelaous of other people. They also worked hard to get to the top (or you know, their sister cashed their sex tape really well).

Stop thinking of failure. Stop crying because someone has Cartier love bracelet and you have Pandora. Stop beating yourself up because someone goes to Hawaii twice a year and you never left Europe. Stop. It.

Truth is. Nobody is as succesful as Instagram makes them look and nobody is as pretty as filters make them seem.

The only healthy and worthwile comparison is you yesterday vs you today.

You are healthy. You are smart. You are loved. You are not related to Trump. You are twenty-something and your tits are still perky. Life is great even though sometimes you shower with ice cold water and have hummus for breakfast, lunch and dinner because you’re broke. You are actually living your best life, because you are living. And this rollercoaster you are on my dear, it is only going up.