73 questions with Barbara

*Opens the door of my luxurious mansion in Malibu and welcomes you into the marble foyer, as I gaze into the camera lens *

  

I am obsessed with Vogue’s 73 questions videos (Emily Blunt and Margot Robbie deffo favs) I’ve decided to do a little parody post so you can get to know me better. Although there is so much more to both you and me than seventy-three questions, it’s always fun to pretend you’re someone important and you’re being followed by Vogue around your zen garden whilst unicorns sing Amazing Grace but until that happens you’ll need to settle for less glam, very chilled holiday version of Barbara.

  1. What your usual Starbucks coffee order? I don’t drink Starbucks coffee. I get coffee from local independent coffee shops. And 90% of the time I go for flat white, but if summer deffo an iced latte. But when in Starbucks: peach green tea lemonade!!!
  2. Favourite colour? Any shade of blue but specifically Space blue
  3. Least favourite food? Absolutely hate lamb and coriander, AND fresh ginger (although it’s growing on me)
  4. Favourite food? just one? um then I guess dim sum
  5. When are you the most creative? When caffeinated and motivated
  6. Who’s your girl crush? Lady Gaga
  7. Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? Monica’s Church youtube video– My boyfriend cheated on me
  8. Sweet or savoury? Savoury. ALWAYS SAVOURY.
  9. Who should people be following right now? Anyone that promotes body positivity, feminism, gender and race equality, and self love
  10. Person you’d like to have coffee with? Meryl Streep
  11. Song you can listen to on repeat? Vossi Bop by Stormzy
  12. What makes you laugh the most? Poppy. But also memes
  13. Dogs or cats? DOGS.
  14. If you could go to any concert past or present, what would it be? Coldplay or Luciano Pavarotti
  15. Top three countries on your travel list? Thailand, Italy and Morocco
  16. Can you describe yourself in a hashtag? #enough
  17. On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? 10. always a 10, even though Mercury is retrograde atm
  18. You are stuck on a deserted island and you only have one book, what are you reading? I wish I could say something very adult like Anna Karenina or War and Peace, but Harry Potter and Half-Blood Prince it is.
  19. What’s one thing people don’t know about you? If I watch horror movies I have to sleep with a light on
  20. Who is your favourite Disney character? The Little Mermaid, Ariel, without a doubt.
  21. If you could star in any movie what would it be and why? Mamma Mia, first movie. Because what’s better than dancing and singing ABBA on a Greek island?
  22. What’s your favourite time of day? Sunrise
  23. If you could travel the world with anyone who would it be? My Mother
  24. What’s your pet peeves? People walking slowly, or people stopping on the pavement in front of you, or people standing on the wrong side of escalator.
  25. What’s the most sentimental gift received? Diamond ring my mum had custom made for me when graduated uni (the gold part is her and dad’s melted wedding rings)
  26. Heels or flats/sneakers? Sneakers!!!
  27. Vintage or new? New
  28. What industry do you see yourself working in? Entertainment, marketing or medicine
  29. Style icon? Anna Wintour
  30. What are the three things you can’t live without? Family, laptop and eggs
  31. Favourite pastime? Working out, writing and chilling
  32. What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for? The Obamas and Ellen Degeneres
  33. What’s your biggest fear in life? Forgetting or being forgotten
  34. Window or aisle seat? Aisle
  35. What’s your current T.V. character obsession? Eleven from Stranger Things
  36. Twitter or Instagram? I N S T A G R A M
  37. Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life? Diving with sharks
  38. How would you define yourself in three words? Bubbly, ambitious, dependable.
  39. Favourite piece of clothing that you own? denim dress
  40. Must have clothing item everyone should have? Perfect fit jeans
  41. Superpower you would want? Flying
  42. What’s inspiring you in life right now? Poppy. And my friends.
  43. Best piece of advice you’ve received? Just do it.
  44. Favourite dessert? salted caramel ice cream
  45. What is more important to you in a relationship? Loyalty
  46. Who is your favourite spirit human ? Christine Baranski
  47. What is something you notice about someone when you first meet them? If they’re smiling or not
  48. What is your biggest regret? The time spent sweating the small stuff
  49. Best way to rest/decompress? Hot shower and breathing
  50. Favourite solo artist? ADELE
  51. What is heavily played on your music playlist right now? Florence and the Machine
  52. If you could master one instrument, what would it be? Piano
  53. What are some of your must have beauty products? Origins moisturiser, Blink eye drops, Benefit brow gel and Mario Badescu face mist
  54. How do you react to criticism? I’ll take it into consideration but if I can’t learn from it I mostly ignore it.
  55. What’s your favourite cocktail? Long Island Iced tea
  56. How would you describe your style? Evolving haha. Mostly very hipster casual with a hint Beyonce
  57. What fictional character do you relate to the most? Bridget Jones.
  58. What’s your favourite board game? Cards Against Humanity
  59. What is your guilty pleasure? Friends on Netflix and fries
  60. What did you read most recently? This is going to hurt a little by Adam Kay
  61. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
  62. How do you start your day? Meditation. Brush my teeth. Drink carrot/apple/ginger juice and do emails.
  63. What’s on top of your wishlist right now? New camera
  64. Pilates or yoga? Yoga
  65. Coffee or tea? COFFEE.
  66. What is your favourite holiday? Any holiday I get so spend with my mum
  67. Dark chocolate or milk chocolate? Don’t eat chocolate, but dark with salt flakes if in the mood
  68. If you could raid one woman’s closet who would it be? Ashley Graham’s
  69. Summer or winter? SUMMER
  70. What is your biggest weakness? Not admitting I need help/was wrong and Five Guys
  71. What is your favourite place that makes you feel happy? Croatian seaside
  72. A skill you’re working on mastering? Writing
  73. What do you want people to remember you by? I want to be remembered for a girl who never took the life too seriously and always lived to the fullest.
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Let’s talk about: love for your body

As last week was a Mental health awareness week focused on body image I’ve done lots of self reflection on that topic. Although I’m only 24, I’ve been to emotional hell and back when it comes to body image.

But haven’t we all?

 As I’ve always been bigger than any girl my age and people would always point that out as something that was incredibly wrong with me. I was called  names and made fun of my looks simply because I was taller (mostly by undeveloped little boy twats), and had like extra ten-ish kilos.

Little did they know that I don’t actually give a single fuck what they think  or say.

I first came in touch with body dissatisfaction in high school when my best friend developed anorexia and bulimia.

 I didn’t know what the fuck to do.

How to help.

Or even what to say.

To me, she was the most beautiful, smartest, funniest and kindest girl I ever knew, that I know.

I didn’t understand.

I would stuff my careless face with pastries whilst she’d tell me stories about how she lives on half of the apple a day because her tights don’t have a gap size of the Grand Canyon between them. It was abolutely devestating to see her think and act like that.

But that’s the thing about eating disorder, isnt’t it? It makes you tell yourself that you’re not skinny enough, that you’re not pretty enough and all of a sudden you’re not good enough.

It is so fucked up.

What she’s gone through marked me a little as well. It put that little bug in my ear that said: well if you ever do feel like you need to lose weight this is the faster/easier way. Because nothing feels as good as skinny!

WRONG, I’d tell myself, sausage rolls do!!!

And as a every sixteen-year-old I too was obviously very delusional.

Pressured into it just to fit in, my time of no eating anything or barely something came as well.

Luckily enough my mom shut it down after two months of me pretending to live in Skins tv show with a threat she’ll smack my bottom and send me to live with the nuns.

It wasn’t really until I was 18 and have been to through some serious medical shit that changed by body literally over night that I was left with a seriously poor self image.

Next five years of my life was me living in a body that I didn’t recognize.

A body I was ashamed of.

I tried hiding it and didn’t love it, like at all.

On really bad days I’d actually hate it. I’d scream at doctors asking why the hell would they try to fix me by ruining my body?

How dare they saving my life if that meant losing all of my hair and gaining weight and having mulitiple scars, muscle atrophy and let’s not even mentions cheeks as a squirrel caused by sterioids because I CAN’T.

It took me five years to even consider myself beautiful.

To even try to look like a girl.

 To feel confident.

To tuck my shirt into my jeans.

To wear heels.

To wear a skirt above my knees.

To wear a tank top.

To wear something that shows my scars.

To put on a bikini.

To not worry if I’m going to fit between tables in a coffee shop.

To feel like a woman.

Five years of practising self love and self care.

 Lot’s of therapy.

Pep talks from my friends but mostly mother.

Accepting I am good enough the way I am.

Finding a workout and a routine I love.

 And lots of deep self analyzing to be able to even like my body.

I did lots of journaling.

Listened lots of podcasts and read few books.

I unfollwed all unreal Victorias and her secret models on social media and started following body positive advocates.

But the hardest thing was letting go.

Letting go of things I can’t change.

Letting go of man that make me feel like shit.

Letting go of people don’t accept me for who I am and are constantly trying to change me.

Letting go of diets.

Letting go of that control freak I was.

 And accepting who I am is enough. I am perfect the way I am. And if I am too much for some people, well then they weren’t my people to start with.

A letter I wrote to my body

Dear body,

I am so sorry.

I am sorry for the way I treated you most of my life. For not caring enough about you and not liking you enough, sometimes even at all.

I am sorry for eveytime I hurt myself by bumping into things and for all the broken bones, total of 9 throughout my childhood.

I am sorry for all the cigarettes I smoked.

All the alcohol I drank and continue to drink.

And all the drugs I’ve put you through.

I am sorry for every 2am McDonald’s.

I am sorry for late nights and lack of sleep.

 I am sorry for googling plastic surgeries I can get in order to fix you. God knows I’m too much of a wuss to even get a lip filler not to mention liposuction or mastopexy.

I am sorry for every bad sex that left both you and me very unsatisfied.

 I am sorry for every single time I over fed you.

I am sorry for every single time I starved you.

I am sorry I’ve got sun burnt every summer so far.

 I am sorry for all the tight clothes I used to squeeze you in. (we both know that Spanx didn’t change anything)

I am sorry for all the comparisons I made with skinny girls in magazines. And all the Kardashians who drink shitty teas and have armies of people who make them look like brand new Barbie dolls.

I am sorry for all the damage I’ve put you trough whilst doing squats and dead lifts completely wrong.

Dearest body,

I also want thank you.

Thank you for fixing yourself after all the damage I’ve done to you. It still amazes me how incredible you are.

Thank you for getting me places even when I didn’t want to go.

Thank you for getting me through cancer. For putting up with all the chemo and other shit that we needed in order to get cancer free.

Thank you for not giving up on me when it was life or death.

Thank you for loving me back even tho I didn’t love you.

It is just you and me on this journey life is and I need you to serve me as long as you can so we can have more fun, see places we’ve never been to and walk down the aisle to marry a man we are going to have many dogs with.

Or even a little baby. Would it be okay if I let another person live in you as well? It’s just for 9 months that according to my sister go by very fast.

I am sorry it took me nearly 24 years to do so but I love you.

Love every scar.

Every strech mark.

Every bump and lump.

Every grey hair.

Every line on my face.

All the cellulite.

Hair that doesn’t listen even on a sunny let alone rainy day.

My bad knee that doesn’t bend properly because I fucked it up skiing.

My shrek fingers that look very wonky.

And even my hobbit feet that I got from my dad (and his nose!)

I love you dear body.

I will take care of you for the rest of the life. (and yes, I will try to cut my alcohol intake)

I promise.