BEAUTY PIE and everything you need to know about it

Today is all about my latest beauty and skin care obsessions the BEAUTY PIE.

For those of you who don’t follow me on Instagram, hi this is my profile so have a look and if you like what you see don’t be scared to press follow, as I don’t bite most of the time. But for all you who do, you’ve probably seen me talk about Beauty Pie.

The BP is the first luxury beauty product buyers club.

So this is how it works and FYI it’s totes simple.

You pick one of four possible memberships and sign up for it. According to your membership you get a amount of months spending limit (but don’t worry as they offer top ups as well!!!) and you buy your products for the BUYERS CLUB PRICES, WHICH IS SO FREAKING CHEAP!

My membership is £10/month which gives me £100/month rolling spending limit.

An eye cream I got was £40 for full price and £6.80 for my members price, so £33.20 was covered by my spending limit.

You see, it’s so AFFORDABLE! Which is what we need, because skincare is an essential and we don’t want to be broke for flawless complexion, ok?

Why so cheap you wonder? NO SCAM LOVE. Here’s is how they do it.

They do all their products, packaging, testing & safety warehousing and VAT in DA HOUSE so the don’t pay for middlemen, shop fits, retailer markup or celebrity marketing. Damn, that’s smart AF.

What I really love about BP is that they have such a wide range of skincare but they also sell make up, hair care, body care, perfumes AND CANDLES. You know you will not only find something for you but for your mum as well.

Another great feature is that if you don’t feel very spendy one month, DON’T YA WORRY HUN! You spending limit just rolls over to another month so you can have a proper spending spree for yourself, you know Xmas is coming so maybe for someone else too?

All their products are cruelty FREE! And most are classified vegan, but some aren’t so do check with their customer service if that’s your thing!

Here’s the products I got so far in case you need some inspo:

PLANTASTIC™ APRICOT BUTTER CLEANSING BALM

QI ENERGY™ GINSENG ROOT & GINGER BRIGHTENING EYE FIX

PLANTASTIC™ MICROPEELING SUPER DROPS

SUPER RETINOL CERAMIDE-BOOST ANTI-AGING FACE SERUM

SUPER RETINOL (+ VITAMIN C) NIGHT RENEWAL MOISTURIZER

SHIMMERBAR™

With my link you get your first month FREE and I get £50 of spending limit. SO IT’S A WIN-WIN, ok? ALSO, use PROMO CODE BPSHIMMERBAR at checkout to get my current fave bronzer (see the last photo) for FREE with your first membership. (While supplies last!)

I’m currently waiting for my new products and I am so excited. Believe the hype!!!

Are you a member? And if so, what’s your faves?

If you’re not, that’s ok! but IF YOU DO ONE THING FOR YOUR SKIN THIS YEAR, DO THIS…

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When life gives you lemons.

November gives me chills. And not because it’s freaking cold outside but because November is my reminder. Reminder to be grateful for being alive.

So here’s the thing, I had cancer. And before you give me your pity and puppy eyes, please note that I said had. Which means I have no more. And yes it was “traumatic” and fucking hard but truth be told there is people who are going trough worse shit every day so let’s just acknowledge that, and that I am not anymore. I am healthy.

I don’t mean to sound like a twat. I’m sure you’re very kind and respectful individual, and asking if I’m ok? is more than nice but I don’t want this story to be my cancer story. Simply because I’m not ready to share it yet. I’m still bubbling it in my inner self and trying to form it into words that won’t sound too painful but also too vain. But that story will come out one day. And it might be an essay, it might be a book, who knows? But this is not it.

This November marks eight years of me getting leukaemia diagnosis and I’ve been reflecting A LOT. Whenever I catch myself being ungrateful little shit and care for material more than I should (which I hate to admit I’ve been doing quite a lot lately) I just stop and give myself a huge fucking reminder how good my life actually is.

Apparently there are two kind of people in the world: when life gives you lemons you can either throw them back at it or squeeze them and make a lemonade. However I’m more of a take a lemon, slice it and bite into it after shoot of tequila kinda gal.

What can I say, I do love tequila. But also I am not letting anything or anyone else being in control of my life.

I spent too long just sort of drifting and letting things happen to me. Both good and bad things. And I know how fucking miserable and little I felt during that period of my life. Those crippling feelings of emptiness and uselessness.

We’ve all been there. For one reason or another, we have ALL been though something that made us wonder if we’ll make it. That’s why I’m writing this after all. For you. So you know you’re not alone.

Life is hard on it’s own. Without depression and anxiety thrown in there. And sometimes life doesn’t seem to be fair. Or even remotely good. But you can’t live surrounded by your troubles and worries EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. for the rest of your life.

I read an article recently that says how people who are happy are desperately looking for things to make them miserable.

MIND.BLOWN.? To me it sounds very familiar. I’ve been doing that over past few months. Whenever I woke up feeling good and my mental health was under control I’d find a thing that I could moan about.

Well I think fucking not Barbara. Get yourself together. AND I DID.

I flicked through my diary and photos from eight and seven years ago. It was enough of a reminder.

And you know what I’ve learnt? GRATITUDE. AND HAPPINESS IN EVERYDAY little things. Like having time for yourself. First sip of your morning coffee. Or fresh bread. Hot showers. Nice face cream. Or breathing crisp air.

I had power of being in control of most important thing – my happiness.

And I am happier than ever before.

A lot of it is about being in control –you can worry about not having a secure job, or enough money or reliable network of people but this level of control is something we can all create ourselves.

It’s normal to occasionally whine about the weather, and tube delays and how the dress on your wish list is out of stock – we don’t have authority over that.

It’s ok to keep dreaming bigger and aiming for more that doesn’t make your less grateful. It makes you having a purpose in life.

I want to have a family and write a book and buy my own home – but I won’t be unhappy because I don’t have those things yet, because I’m grateful for everything I do have and I am more than aware that something more awful than being in my overdraft, or gaining weight, could happen.

October favourites

I mean I still don’t get it. One moment it’s January for 78 years then I’m drinking margaritas on a beach and now I’m supposed to enjoy autumn colours and drink pumpkin spice lattes and what is this crazy life?

October is finished? SAY WHAT? How? When? Why? WHYYYYY?

My October was busy, busy, very busy. I worked A LOT. I drank and ate, a lot (but not as much as I wanted) and I shopped a lot (went a bit crazy after buying literally nothing in September). I’m still v upset over the fact I didn’t make it to a pumpkin patch or went for a hike as planned, but hey, it’s autumn until late December.

This months picks that made it into favourites are a random mix of new stuff or very old, newly rediscovered stuff. So before I start making list of things that caused my bank statement look like I’m back at uni, let’s see what were my most used/most loved things last 31 days.

Beauty & makeup

  1. Kiehl’s facial oil. After summer made me look ten years older than I actually am I was desperate for a nice and light oil to give my complexion a radiant and energized look morning to night. For me personally, £38.00 is a shit ton of money but I decided to invest into myself and I didn’t regret it. I shit you not, if I had a pound for every time someone complimented my skin I’d be freaking Oprah, okay? And more importantly I can honestly see the difference when I use the oil and when I don’t. Totally worth the money!
  2. Beauty Pie Bronzer. Oh. My. Golden. Goddess. Heart. I won’t lie, I’v been feeling a bit blue ever since rain season in this big old smoke started. I’m just missing the sun and having a tan. My God, does everything look better on me with a tan? Or nothing on me, with a tan? Buying a bronzer wasn’t on my list but whilst browsing very hyped Beauty Pie online shop I came across this absolutely stunning product and I’M GOOD.
  3. Dr. Paw Paw balm. I was out. My lips were dry. I forgot my beloved Glossier balm dot at home. So I ran into a store to buy my usual 2nd choice Carmex, just to get me through the day. And saw like a million VSCO girls standing in front of me and chit-chatting over a small yellow tube. I mean, MOVE IT GIRLIES? I’m late! And then I overheard them saying how Emma Watson uses the pink one and I was OK, now move so I can grab it. I WAS INFLUENCED by fifteen-year-olds. Goodness me. Oh well, this balm became my saving grace this month. Didn’t have a dry lip syndrome yet plus my lips are freaking moisturised and they look very juicy because it’s slightly tinted.
  4. Aesop Geranium Body Balm. I very frequently visit Aesop shops because their interiors are freaking goals, ok? I can’t afford buying their products all the time(although their hand creams are just probably the best freaking thing ever) and this was a gift. And it came with a matching shower gel that should have made into my summer favourites (but that post never happened). Ok, now I’m not a massive body balm user as I prefer oils on my very dry skin however I gave it a try. Firstly, it smells freaking AMAZING! Like, am I in some sort of magical botanical garden? Secondly, it’s texture is just divine. And lastly, it leaves my skin looking very radiant and soft, so to anyone out there, I wouldn’t mind a refill for Christmas, thank you very much!

Fashion & accessories

  1. Longchamp Le Pliage Neo bag. This bag was a birthday present to me, from me. It is such a statement piece (am I a fashion blogger, yet?) Jesus, here’s the deal I needed something to go with everything at anytime of the day (so preferably black), big enough to fit my essentials like a baby or two bottles of vodka if needed, but mostly to store my laptop and snacks and that’s not going to break like my last tote bag which did crack under pressure of carrying coke zero six pack and packet of crisps.
  2. Converse Chuck Taylor All Star Trainers. Yes I’m that basic bitch. I don’t care, I’ve been her since I was 12. I still remember buying my first pair of Chucks, and my mum trying to convince me to buy pink glittery ones and I really just wanted the black ones, and I of course ended up with both but that’s just how I roll (hence will never probably never afford to buy a house in London) 13 YEARS LATER, and boom still very much enjoying wearing shoes that made me look very rebellious early on in life.
  3. Primark dress. I don’t really buy clothes in Primark, I buy pyjamas in Primark, and tights, and my socks. But I have to give it to them that their autumn collections is JUST as DIVINE as freaking AFFORDABLE. I bought two everyday dresses and I very much wear them all the time.
  4. Hoop earrings. BECAUSE. YOU. CAN. NEVER. HAVE. ENOUGH. HOOP. EARRINGS. They came in pack of 3, they are same but different. I’m sorted for a month or so.

Other

  1. Heartburn by Nora Ephron. It’s been sitting on my shelf since late May until I saw a girl reading it on the train one Sunday afternoon in September so I decided to finally give it a go. One of my favourite podcasters, Dolly Alderton (from the Love Stories with Dolly Alderton and The High Low Podcast) always raves about this book and Nora Ephron and I have to admit I can finally see why. Heartburn is as hilarious as it is heartbreaking and it took me a week (but it can be read in a day) and was left with *OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHY DID IT TAKE ME 25 YEARS TO READ THIS AMAZING NOVEL?*
  2. The Skinny Confidential Podcast: Him & Her. Just one of my latest obsessions. When I work in the office (three times a week) I listen to podcasts all day long and TSC has been one of my favourites lately. Hear me out. I’ve been following Lauryn’s lifestyle blog for years now but could never get over her very loud, obnoxious, american voice. HOWEVER, one of my favourite YouTubers swears her podcast changed her life and perspective of it YOU KNOW, so what did I have to lose? I chose first episode to be just her (she usually does it with her husband and they often have very successful and inspirational guests) I SHIT YOU NOT, OK? I SHIT YOU NOT! She motivated me to work sooooooooooo freaking hard I legit didn’t want to leave the office. I mean, come on!!! I’m now working on listening all the episodes (all 294) from the beginning and you know me, binging is my vibe.
  3. Spin classes. I USED TO FUCKING HATE SPINNING. My bottom would hurt for three days after, I’d look like an angry tomato afterwards and most of the time I’d feel like Amy Schumer in that movie I feel pretty, but before she hit her head. All that being said, I fucking love them now. Because all I needed to do was to find a class that works for me. And that’s a class with great music and an instructor that actually shows you what to do and how to do it. I mean, is it possible to be more basic???
  4. Michelle Choi and hers Living alone diaries. I’ve been kinda watching too much YouTube lately and I’m not going to fucking deny that. When I find content I like, I LIVE & BREATHE for it. And Michelle’s videos are just right up my alley. There is something very calming and reassuring about them and her lifestyle. It’s almost like she’s living slowly and very intentional. Subscribed.
  5. Pinterest app. Some will say, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK BARB, IT IS 2019!!! Bur hey, I’ve just always been a Tumblr kinda girl, alright? I’ve had an Pinterest account for like a minute now but I’ve only gotten to used and actually enjoy it this past month. I have to seriously pay attention to the time otherwise I go down that internet rabbit hole and adios, will see you in 2020! *here’s my Pinterest profile, just FYI
  6. Hustle by Pink. Just my jam lately. I play it every time I’m on my way to the office and it puts me into my *bitch please* mood. YAAS.
  7. Instagram profile: @sophieedwards_tcmp This girl is just goals man. Her insta is just soooo FASHIONABLE, in a normal fucking everyday style. And what’s even more amazing is that she’s currently doing series of how to style one thing and wear it 31 way, SAY WHAT? AND EVEN MORE AMAZING, is that she’s doing 100 active days and I won’t lie I’m kinda low key doing it with her. SUCH. A. BABE.

*my monthly favourites are usually thing’s I’ve used/consumed and enjoyed the most in a past month and not necessarily something new. This post contains some affiliate links which means that if you buy anything via my link to a retailer, I’ll make a quid or two in commission, but it doesn’t cost you any extra.

Why I started waking up at 5AM

You are probably like Geez Louise, what’s wrong with this girl?

And even I am surprised with the fact I am basically new Margaret Thatcher but here we are. I’m one of those people who changes things when she doesn’t like them. *my mum clapping and cheering because her job as mum D O N E*

Earlier this year I would complain about how I have no time. No time for me, no time to call my family, or see my friends as much as I want to, to read a new book or to even binge watch new Netflix show. I had no time to work out as often I as wanted to, to date and absolutely no time to write. And I would complain and complain until I decided to change my priorities which naturally ended up in giving up me time and constantly chasing deadlines and that made me miserable. Like LES MISERABLE.

So since I couldn’t give up work (because you know it’s my livelihood) I googled (all judgements welcome) how to organise my time better where I found out that I indeed have the same amount of hours in my day as Beyonce does (believe it or not). But what caught my eye was a list of very successful people who wake up at 5am and basically slay.

All this was read and then forgotten back in June, and then the summer rolled and I slept as much as koalas do.

But as that pattern of me complaining how constantly busy I am kept repeating I was like, fuck it. Who needs sleep? LET’S HAVE A PARTY. When: AT 5AM. Where: My room. Info: PYJAMAS MANDATORY & BRING COFFEE.

And so the party began mid-September. And I won’t lie that the first alarm sounded like the angels crying and my groggy self wanted to launch my phone through the window whilst being completely fine with the lack of time to take on the world and do what makes me happy yet I got up and survived.

First week was D R E A D F U L. *just very honest me* It felt like that part of PMS where you’re constantly tired and hungry and you hate everyone, especially cute and perky girls who wear t-shirts *woke up like this* whilst she probably did *crying emoji*. (Also thank you God for not timing that with my actual PMS)

After that? Well, EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY. I feel like my whole life changed. *WHO SHE?*

I have the time to do things I want *still trying to figure out the dating thing though* And more importantly those side hustles I wanted to work on don’t feel like chores anymore. I don’t call my mum whilst rushing to the gym anymore because I have more than twenty minutes to talk to her. *if neeed* I’m not struggling to keep my eyes open trying to read the book that’s on my bedside table since my birthday *June baby* I can watch YouTube without feeling guilty. I can go to an early (like real early) gym class. I have time to meditate and reflect and if I just want to lie in my bed and watch the sunrise I have time to do that too.

Outfit details.

Blazer: H&M

Jeans: River Island (via ASOS)

Trainers: Puma (via ASOS)

T-shirt: ASOS

Bag: old H&M (found similar)

Headband: My Accessories London-sold out but similar

Watch: Samsung

How London living changed me

Have you noticed that time flies whilst you’re having fun?

Me too. I still can’t believe I live in London even after three years.

I still get chills passing next to London eye, Big Ben (although is all wrapped up), Trafalgar Square and Buckingham palace and my heart still swells when I walk down the Oxford street or sit in a cab that’s driving on Tower bridge. I mean I obviously love it here otherwise I would have only stayed a year as I firstly planned BUT I fell in love and hey, I is still here.

Tons of you asked and keep asking about life in London, what do I do, where do I go, how come I moved here and all that shebang and I promise it’s coming, it’s coming but before that I feel like I owe you this one. I want to share how living in London changed me and my perception of world (hold on there is a list)

  1. I became absurdly impatient. Every single time I’m back home in Croatia, or just anywhere outside London I seriously have to fight back tears and practise deep breathing if I have to wait for a bus more than three minutes.
  2. Paradoxically, I’m more than happy to queue up for an hour to get a table at the restaurant I want to eat at. Yes I am very choosy, even with my patience.
  3. I no longer give a shit about my personal space. It has been invaded so many times during rush hour that now days if I’m on the tube and there is no crotch in my face, WHAT IS THIS?
  4. My coffee intake has inexplicably risen by like a lot. And thankfully my local barista knows my order by heart now.
  5. I strongly believe that whoever invented CONTACTLESS should get a Nobel for peace. Because having to spend ten extra seconds to put your pin in is such a waste of time, and carrying cash is just so 2008.
  6. I am never bored. I kid you not, N E V E R . There is no excuse with all parks, and pubs and events and museums and excuse you NYC, but I think it’s time to hand over your “City that never sleeps” title.
  7. I can handle a hungover like a P R O. No, I am not an alcoholic mum, but it just happens that now drinking is not reserved just for the weekends. So I mastered faking looking easy breezy at work the next morning whilst holding down my stomach content.
  8. I feel like travelling more than few zones on tube feels like forever. Meet you in North London? No I can’t possibly go to North London, that’s the longest trip on Earth. *only looking to date men in south London*
  9. I became an utter food snob. Living amongst fanciest cuisines is not easy because it costs you an arm and an leg to eat out, not being able to zip your skinny jeans and spoiling your taste buds rotten so at one point Mc’Donalds won’t cut it anymore.
  10. I lost all perception of what affordable means. That’s why I am more than willing to spend £27 on one meal out, cute ASOS top or an Uber (in that order!) but why are detergent and toilet paper so expensive???
  11. I h a t e tourists. I know you all are excited about being here and taking your photos BUT COULD YOU PLEASE KEEP FUCKING RIGHT IF THE SIGN SAYS SO??????????
  12. I started to mind my own business. All wackos and weirdos became normality for me and frankly I couldn’t imagine not seeing them around.
  13. I fell in love with the city. And I might stay forever.

Dress: old H&M

Boots: Dr. Martens

Necklace: old Accessorize

30 days of VEGAN

WHOA!

Before I share how did my month of veganism go I’d just like to point out how bloody proud of me I am. *background clapping* I know I’m not exactly Greta Thunberg here but for a girl who’d eat bacon cheeseburgers at least twice a week this is a massive, MASSIVE achievement.

So let’s get into this.

Hiiiiii, my name is Barbara and I always like to make my life hell by complicating things. But also, hello! My name is Barbara and I am a 25-year-old who is fucking terrified about our planet and my own future.

Yes, I am very conscious about the fact that the production of plant-based foods is a more efficient use of our resources, as it requires less energy from fossil fuels as well as less land and water. But I am more aware of the fact that vegans typically have lower levels of cholesterol and blood pressure, a lower body mass index, and reduced risk of death from heart disease and cancer. SO, I very selfishly started this because of my own health. And due to my personal reasons (mostly bank balance) I didn’t go full on vegan and got rid of all my stuff (bags, shoes, belts etc) that are cruelty free (but will definitely not buy or support brands that aren’t) but my diet was vegan or plant based if you wish.

This plant based diet is something I’ve had on mind for months. I’ve done lots of research before I kicked off so I didn’t just dive unprepared.

I kept a little photo diary throughout September (you can have a look at some unappealing dishes on my Insta profile highlights under Vegember) and a food log on myfitnesspal app.

So here’s how eating a plant based diet worked out for me.

*I messed up ok? I had 3 non vegan meals (out of approx. 100) but that pizza, tiramisu and cheeseburger were worth it so genuinely no regrets!

Day 1 started great. It was Sunday so that allowed me to be in control of my meals and to plan for coming up week. I literally watched youtube videos for 3 hours to give me some inspo and read about million articles on why will my heart thank me after going vegan. I had takeaway vegan pizza from Franco Manca and spent a day on a sofa.

I meal prepped for next two days, booked few workouts and positively stepped into the week.

Day 2-6 were easy because I work 12 hours a day and I mainly needed to prep for lunches the day before to stay on track. (Day 5 is when normal cheese on veggie pizza and tiramisu happened which was always on agenda as it was L’s birthday dinner).

Day 7 and 8 is when I started to feel some sort of change really. I’d wake up before my alarm in the mornings and wouldn’t drop dead in the evenings. I felt like I had an extra boost of some sort of energy and frankly I didn’t know if it was me desperately wanting this to work and make me feel better in my body or was it genuinely because of the diet.

Day 9-15 is when I started feeling better than great. My skin was beaming, I could hold focus for longer than usual 20 minutes, I wasn’t bloated at all and for once in a long time I could actually say that I ate all the carbs without putting on any weight. (Day 15 is also the day when my lunch was a cheeseburger, potatoes with aioli and cheese fritters with tons of alcohol which obvs wasn’t planned but life fucking happens.)

Day 16-22 were my best days. I started cooking more and experiment with new foods, I also worked out 9 times that week and just felt AMAZEBALLS.

Days 23-27 were my worst days of the month but nonetheless I didn’t go rogue. I spent few days in bed, yes. Had few takeaways, yes. Were they vegan? YES. Were they healthy? Maybe yes, definitely no. But that’s what I needed really.

Days 27-30 was me back on track with healthier options and just continued feeling good in my skin.

Day 31. Um I have no need to eat differently than last 30 days. SAY WHAT?

Now here’s my issue. I thought that being vegan automatically means you’re healthy, OH BOY WAS I DELUSIONAL. Because IT DOES NOT. (my Ben & Jerry’s tub screaming in my freezer) You still get tp make healthy and less healthier options only now you don’t contribute to animal cruelty and global warning.

What I really wanted to do is vegan whole foods, where you eat more raw and unprocessed food which I can’t say I didn’t eat but I have to admit I ate rather a lot of bought meals. Now, instead of re-writing my whole food log here I’ve decided to write down my most eaten meals to maybe help you incorporate more plant based meals into your diet.

For most breakfast I ate: avocado on toast (on mornings with extra few minutes I’d add grilled mushrooms), granola with soy vanilla yogurt and berries plus handful of nuts, peanut butter with jam on a bagel

Most common lunches were: loaded salads (usually nuts, greens, falafels, hummus, etc), pasta with either tomato or pesto, sweet potato with grilled veggies and vegan sausages

Dinner were usually: curries, stir frys, grilled veggies, risottos or pizzas, jacket potatoes, soy

Snacks: Greggs vegan sausage rolls, crisps, hummus, fruit (mostly apples, grapes and mangos), nuts and protein shakes

I also drank loads of cold press juices, mostly to boost my immune system but also to increase my veggie and fruit intake.

So overall how was it? Surprisingly NOT as hard as I thought it would be. Actually not hard at all. Mainly because I live in London and there are countless vegan options for every occasion. But I wasn’t overthinking this either (probs for the first time in my life). I was easy and made a decision not to be to hard on myself if I screw it up. I ate simple meals until I get the courage and willingness to cook/prepare more complex ones and YEAH, I still hate cooking but just a little bit less than before. I feel abso-fucking-lutely great and don’t think I’m missing out on anything or that my body is missing anything. I lost few pounds but I was never, ever, ever hungry. I am yet to do some blood work to determine how exactly this lifestyle affected my physical health but I have a good feeling.

AM I STAYING VEGAN? Umm actually I might. Like I miss eggs so fucking much. And seafood. And nice cheese. But that’s about it. I think I’ll try to eat as much plant based as I can with occasional vegetarianism dips. But you never know with me. I go with the flow. Do what feels good. Eat what I crave. And just enjoy life.

Today has been cancelled, go back to bed.

To anyone going through a hard time but still showing up, getting dressed and putting their damn shoes on every day, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Also to anyone who’s going through it and isn’t able to get out of bed because of it-YOU ARE ALSO NOT ALONE. Whether it’s for physical, social, emotional or any reason-your journey is valid and you deserve to be seen and get love or space if that’s what you need in order to heal. You are a beautiful human and I promise that it’s going to get better.

And there is goes. Just when you think life is great, all there is are sunshine and rainbows, you’re more than satisfied with what you’ve got and who you are, you look yourself in the mirror and you’re happy with how you look, you finally think how you got this, this balance between everything

THERE IS GOES. LIFE GOES TO SHIT.

I’ve been bottling up some feelings for sure. I mean we all have a mini drawer in our brains where we send all those problems that can either be dealt with later or are Major problems (yes with capital M) you absolutely have no fucking willingness or mental power to deal with so we just lock them away. That’s what 90% of adulthood is anyway.

BUT all this is fine. You see, I AM USED TO ALL OF THIS. However what I am absolutely not used to is when something I completely got over, patched it back together until it was healthy enough to put in the past comes back in my life knocking on my mini drawer in my brain until one massive motherfucking Kraken of the emotions erupts.

Now it doesn’t really matter what exactly happened to me. What or who caused that carnival in my head. But it happened. It is now first time it did and let me tell you it won’t be last time either. BUT here is what I learnt this time around.

YOU ARE LOVED NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL.

1.) Try not to be hurt by people. Especially if you know they are hurting as well. And this is I know not a walk in the park my friend. Relationships are complicated and I am not a big fan of anything complicated because I strongly believe everything is simple (except maths, f u c k that) So I try to stay out of complicated relationships. But sometimes you are related to people. Or married. Or you’re under a 12 month contract together. So you can’t exactly escape them.

It is then that you have to decided whether this person is worth your time and love and mental ability to forgive them. Is this person worth you. Or is you and your inner peace more worthy.

I long for the day I decide to put myself first! (and so does my therapist) And I know I always preach about that, how it’s not selfish to choose yourself, to protect your feelings and your mental health over anyone else, but here’s the thing! I mostly talk about it all the time because I suck at being that person and it’s me reminding myself to do so.

I can’t emphasise enough how important is for us humans to realise that we are the only ones who are in our lives ’til we die. So putting you as your top priority is not only ok, it’s mandatory.

And sometimes other people decided to choose themselves over us, and that is fine. Don’t take it personally. Take it as a chance to work on yourself, for yourself, by yourself.

2.) You are loved no matter how you feel.

I’m a talker. I literally talk about everything, with everyone. But when it comes to hurt feelings, feeling small or desire to spend an eternity under your bed covers and pretending that everything is fine, then I don’t talk. I lose all my words and only thing I have left is my thoughts. At least I am very good at thinking that. Truth is that I have much more than what I think.

I have a family who loves me unconditionally. Friends who are struggling as much as I do yet are willing to show up anytime and anywhere. And most importantly, I’ve got me.

A very sad, hurt and hopeless me. But I know that this person isn’t really me. It’s someone who going to a rough patch and need just needs a little bit of time and a little bit of extra love to go through it.

The best thing I can do for myself is to love myself on bad days as much as I love myself on good ones.

No matter how melancholic this sounds but just because you’re taking time out, time to think and recover an get back on track doesn’t mean that the Earth is going to stop. But it also doesn’t mean you’re worth less. Loved less. Or even strong less. Your journey is important. TAKE YOUR TIME. And when you’re ready to come back the Earth is still going to spin, you are still going to be loved and your place under the Sun is going to be waiting for you.

3.) Time heals.

It will take time. And believe it or not you will get better. And then you’ll hurt again. At some point even more than before. But then one day you will wake up and you will be one-hundred-percent OK.

Sometimes it takes 3 weeks, sometimes 3 years and sometimes 3 days.

From time to time you’ll only need a 3 minute cry out in your office bathroom or if you’re more like me in front of your Starbucks cashier because they didn’t heat up your toastie.

But trust me when I tell you, the misery and emptiness you’re feeling on your worst day are not staying there forever.

It is going to be OK.

Shout out to everyone making progress that no one recognizes because you never let anyone see your darkest moments. You’ve been silently winning battles and transforming yourself, be proud of every step you’re making in the right direction. Keep going because you got this.